I Choose to Lose You, to Find Me.
It’s okay to love people from afar.
Dear “…..”
I hope this meets you in good health.
Lose you to find me? More like I only found myself because, to you, you never lost anything in the first place.
Maybe it started seven years ago in my semi-final year in high school when I realized that someone that I carefully placed as the cherry on top of my already beautiful life could drop me like a hot-boiled egg, watch me fall and crack all over, only to sneer and say, “there’s plenty where that came from”.
Or two years ago when we had to schedule our calls. Not because we were busy (sometimes we were), but it was a way of exercising our peace by keeping each other at arm’s length. The support wasn’t there and most times it felt like I was in a friendship with myself.
I had forgotten what it was like to tell someone your weakness, knowing that they would never judge you for it. I had forgotten what it was like for someone to squat to your level and hold your hand, so you both can rise together when you fall.
Or a few months ago when I felt like you were doing me a favor whenever I received a text from you. When I checked my messages, I would subconsciously scroll down to where your name stood out, only to find that my double-ticked text got no response. To you, I was always there and would always be there when you returned.
But, something snapped in me. Just when I start redefining my view of love and friendship to center on my previous experiences, someone comes into my life and reminds me that God-like love still exists.
I’ll let you in on part of it, and your imagination can carry out the rest:
Looking into my eyes, she asked me, “Why am I your friend, if I can’t be there for you?” (Not exactly the words but it was implied)
Our conversation caught me off guard because I wasn’t expecting it while seated on a bus, on a hot day. Backstory, I had previously written about calling her at midnight because I had a bad dream and in the write-up, I said I would never do that again.
She read it and asked me why I had said that I wouldn’t be doing it again. Friends should be able to support and look out for each other even when it is inconvenient. Love is sacrifice.
I was stunned, not because I didn’t know that but because I had forgotten what it was like to have someone to rely on. Someone who was there for me and I for her at any time of the day.
I opened my messages to see that you’d replied to my text but the thing was, I have no desire to respond. Not now and probably not ever again. I finally gave up on all the friendships that had me seeking more but never finding it. At that moment, I felt a sense of peace wash over me so deeply that my muscles physically relaxed.
I’m not giving up my love for you, I just choose to love you from afar. I choose to be very present in the lives of those who are very present in mine, and I choose to go all out for those who go all out for me. I choose to cheer for you from the sidelines.
Here’s to 30 days of writing without restraint.
Day 15/30.
Till next time,
Love and Light.