If You See My Dad, Tell Him I’m Fine
Let’s talk about grief.
In the span of two years, my life has changed. I’ve lost three people close to me: My dad, and my grandparents. My dad passed two years ago, the day I wrote my last paper as an undergraduate. My brother broke the news to me and my sister two days later, when we had finished our exams. Days before the news, I had called my brother to ask my dad to send me some money. My brother angrily shut me down, I was a little pissed at him because I didn’t know that my dad was in the hospital fighting for his life.
I still remember the call, and how I had to fight the tears because my sister was beside me and I didn’t want her to see me cry. I cried later that day, but that was the only day I actually sat to mourn. Yes, I did cry on other occasions, but it wasn’t because he died, it was because I missed his presence.
When my grandmother and grandfather each passed away, I didn’t feel grief anymore, there was something in me that just kept me grounded. Let me explain, many people say that ignorance is bliss but when it comes to death and grieving, I’ll say that knowledge builds you up.
Knowing that these people whom I’ve lost both believed in and served the Lord while on earth keeps me in genuine peace because the Lord had promised eternal life to anyone who believed in Him. During the first few days of my dad’s passing, I wrote, “I know you’re alive”. People pitied me even more because they thought I was in the denial phase of grief, but I truly meant it and still mean it. My dad is alive. Not here on earth, but in heaven with Jesus because he believed in Jesus, and Jesus said that those who believe in Him will never die.
I couldn’t be with my grandmother too when she passed, as I was serving my country. She had traveled all the way to be with my grieving mom but passed six weeks after my dad’s burial. I’ve often wondered if I would have told her to tell my dad if she saw him, that I was fine. That:
I earn my own money now, so I know the weight of every naira. It makes me wonder how he ran a full-time business while being fully employed, and how he paid for the fees of four children to attend the best schools. Four!!, I can barely carry myself, let alone the weight of an entire household including relatives. I still admire his hard work and dedication to his family.
Now I understand how truthful he was whenever I asked for money and he’d say, “I don’t have money now”. After earning money, I budget it all out, and when I’m faced with extra expenses, I simply say, “I don’t have the money now”.
I’m fine Dad, I really am. If you were here, I wouldn’t have to carry some weight but I’m glad I carry them because they make me stronger, a better woman. And best of all is that I now have access to God’s help, it’s not like I didn’t have God’s help before, but God specifically said that He’s the father to the fatherless. So when I’m pushed by life to the corner, I can call on God to intervene.
I’ll stop here to maintain my ‘no crying’ steeze.
Till next time,
Love and light
Here’s to writing without restraint. Day 18/30. P.S. I wrote day 17 on substack and have no desire to post it here.