Sometimes, You’re the Toxic Person
You are people’s trauma
“Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold” — Zelda Fitzgerald
I knew I was the problem when I would look the people who loved me in the eyes and consciously say hurtful things to them to wound their feelings, to hurt their pride. I basked in the glory of watching them return to me over and over again, trying in vain to win the affection I knew I was never going to bestow on them. It gave me a sense of importance.
I didn’t realize my toxic trait early, every single time someone showed affection towards me, my guards went up and I quickly built a tower with high walls that nobody could reach. Breaching the bridge to get to me always caused me to lash out in anger and my defense was unkindness.
The funny thing was, though I was conscious of my actions, I didn’t know how else to respond. The neurons in my brain could only make connections that produced unkindness as a response to such a show of affection. Why? I felt so unloved by my family all my life because verbal affection had not always been present. I guess every middle child has probably experienced this.
Did they love me? Very much, they just didn’t say it but they always showed it. My healing started the night I broke down in tears after our devotion time, telling them how unloved I felt as part of the family. Everyone was shocked! What did I mean that they didn’t love me?
Some days, I’m thankful that I succeeded in pushing the people who loved me further away from me when I still needed healing because God’s sons did not deserve to be treated unkindly. Nobody deserves to be treated that way. If I can’t be kind, I might as well be alone.
It’s easy to blame other people for the trauma in our lives. It’s easy to tell how much the actions of another person had hurt you, how they made you feel afraid and alone but have you ever just paused for a second to self-reflect on your own actions? How your actions or inactions remain a core memory in the hearts of the people who loved you?
Hurt people, hurt other people. If we’re going to raise a healed generation or help other people heal, it first starts with us acknowledging that we need healing too. Your actions towards people may be valid in your opinion but have you ever considered how it affected the other person?
Someone may be made to fear rejection because of the way you let him know that you weren’t interested in his pursuit. Another person’s confidence might be shattered by the way you invalidated their work before their fellow colleagues. You may make someone feel unseen and unheard by not valuing their opinion or speaking over them in group meetings.
Sometimes, you’re the toxic person and until you realize it and heal from your trauma, you’ll always hurt other people. Don’t try to validate your toxic actions by logically explaining them away, truly heal the wounds in your soul so you can give back to the people who give a lot to you.
“If you don’t heal what hurt you, you’ll bleed on people who didn’t cut you.”
Here’s to 30 days of writing without restraint.
Day 28/30.
Till next time,
Love and Light.
